This morning as we were riding down the road returning from swim lessons listening to Holy Holy Holy (Davey's favorite song) he suddenly said to me "Mom I want a baby brother for me and a baby sister for Jonathan." It actually brought tears to my eyes to hear him say this because for a while now my husband and I have been praying over whether or not to try one more time for another baby.
The decision for us is a difficult one and yet we truly feel that God is keeping the desire for another baby on both of our hearts. Everything and EVERYONE tells us that to even think of trying for another baby at this point in our lives would be reason to fit me for a strait-jacket. Our journey to begin a family started when I was 33, David and I had just gotten married, we had talked during our engagement about our desire to try to have children right away because both of us were in our early thirties and we didn't think waiting would be wise. So when I wasn't pregnant within the first year of our marriage we talked about it and thought it might be a good idea for me to go and see a gynecologist and make sure everything was OK.
Sadly everything was not OK, after a few tests and scans, the doctor called me at work. "Your tests results have come back from the scan and you have a polyp in your uterus and your left fallopian tube is twisted, and a great deal of endometriosis. We will need to do surgery to remove the polyp and untwist the fallopian tube, but although you COULD still have a chance of getting pregnant, I think it is highly unlikely. I don't believe the polyp is cancerous but we do need to remove it to be sure." When I began to cry, the doctor asked me why I was crying and acted like I was being silly. Although I knew in my heart that God would see me through this, I still struggled with the shock of learning that my greatest desire in life of having children on my own may not happen.
So within a month of this news I had "outpatient" surgery which ended up being 2 nights in a hospital. During the surgery which was only supposed to take a little over an hour, the doctor nicked an artery and they couldn't get the bleeding under control. My husband and parents waiting out in the surgical waiting area began to worry when after 3 hours they hadn't heard from the doctor or a nurse. Finally, 4 hours later the doctor came out and went straight to my MOTHER and explained what had happened and that I was being taken by ambulance over to the hospital, I was stable but would need blood and monitoring for at least 24 hours. My husband was more then ticked because up to this point, he had gone to EVERY doctors appointment that I had and the doctor did not ONCE look at him or explain to HIM what was happening to me, he talked only to my mother. Finally my husband interrupted the doctor and said "Can I SEE MY WIFE before she goes over to the hospital?" After this experience and the doctors TERRIBLE bedside manner, we had to endure him for one more year before we could get a referral out to a fertility specialist.
My husband and I continued to bend the knee over whether or not we should still be pursing having our own family. Just prior to the referral I started bleeding and each day became heavier and heavier, I was bleeding so heavily that I literally thought I had actually gotten pregnant and was having a miscarriage. I passed a clump the size of my fist, I was so scared I called my husband who was at the church, and he rushed home to take me to the hospital. I bagged up the "clump" and rode to the hospital in tears. "How could I have not known I was pregnant? What did I do to loose my baby? Why God would you allow this to happen when you know how much we want a baby?" At the hospital they examined me and the "clump" and determined that I had not been pregnant and that it was endometrial tissue, I was so weak and tired. I was also mortified that 1.) I had to be examined while bleeding so heavily 2.) that I mistook the "clump" for a baby, and 3) that because I was bleeding so heavily as I went to get dressed I leaked all over the floor. I just wanted to crawl under a rock, but I tried to clean up the floor with some paper towels, but with each effort to bend over to clean the floor more blood would gush from me. I cleaned myself up as best as I could, rode home in silence and took a shower as soon as I walked through the door. When was this disaster going to end?
I had to be placed on iron pills and lost over 20 pounds (loved the weight loss but hated the way it was happening) I was so drained that I ended up on bed rest and the doctor still could not figure out what was happening, my condition dragged on for 3 long months. So when we saw the new doctor he wanted to do another surgery to determine the problem first and then face the fertility issues afterwards. But in order to make me strong enough for the surgery they had to give me 2 more blood transfusions. A month later I had the surgery (which was a flying success) the doctor joked about it a little he said "cleaned out the cobwebs REALLY good, its like your a new woman down there".
After the surgery we waited 3 months for my body to recover and for a healthy cycle to resume and then we started Gonal-f shots. When my cycle started, I would drive a hour and a half to the doctors office and he would do an ultra sound (I called it the joy stick, but believe me it gave me NO joy). After the ultra sound the doctor would either recommend we wait another cycle or that it was OK to start. So, for two weeks I gave myself daily injections in my thigh and every other day I would drive to the doctors office an hour and a half away and he would bring out the joy stick to perform the ultrasound and would decide if the injections were working and producing enough follicles. When the doctor felt we had enough viable follicles to work with he would have me take my last shot of Ovidril that night and then it was up to my husband and I to do the rest ;-)
The fertility treatment was very difficult on my body, the shots made my hips hurt like I had arthritis, they produced terrible headaches, and of course my legs hurt from being a pin cushion for two weeks. In the end we had to go through 4 1/2 cycles with one month off after the 3rd cycle so my body could bounce back from the effects of the shots. In May when we were on our last cycle, the doctor had said if this didn't work that he recommended that we take time off and regroup and look at other options. Unfortunately, we couldn't afford the next step, which was IVF so we prayed that this time the medication would work and we would be blessed with a viable pregnancy.
Well in June our prayers were answered and we found out I was pregnant with our first son David. Two years later we had to go through the same process again, only we knew what level of medication to start at so it only took 2 cycles for me to become pregnant. We feel so blessed to have our two little miracle boys. Now I am 40 the boys are 4 and 2 and we are praying about whether or not to try one more time. I love my boys dearly even though there are a lot of days that they tear apart my house and scream so much that I want to escape to a very quiet place, but they are my treasurers and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
So, here we are with two boys and the desire for another but advice from family, friends, and doctors telling us to stop. We remain in prayer about this and do not feel God taking the desire away from us. I thought a few months ago that God had answered our prayer when my cycle stopped and left me for 3 months, I was sure that like my mother I was going through early menopause. BUT, it has returned and so the question remains and we daily listen for God's answer.
Is this what God would want for us, to try one more time? Do we try to give Davey another baby brother or Jonathan another baby sister? Do we risk the things that the medications do to my health while I am on the shots so we can hold another little one in our arms? "Oh God we lay our hearts at your feet and we TRUST You with it and KNOW that YOU will answer!"
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