Baby Girl {Hospital Notes}

Day 3
(transcribed from diary I kept in Rachel's NICU space)

I was released yesterday afternoon from the hospital and we drove straight to Rachel an hour away at Pitt Memorial Children's Hospital where she had been air lifted on her birthday on 10/21 a few hours after her birth.  Since her birth my arms have been itching to hold her, to touch her, to coo sweet words of comfort to my new baby girl .  I can not yet explain my feelings of this moment or how I felt yesterday during our visit, they are to raw and I am way to overwhelmed.  All I can tell you is that I feel loved and supported through what we are going through and yet I feel so alone like I am in a island of my feelings which even I can't explain.  I didn't want to leave her to come home last night, being an hour away feels like we are thousands of miles away and that is way too far.

That distance felt even further apart this morning when we got a call at 6:30AM just as we were starting to get ready to leave to go back up to see Rachel.  They called from the NICU to inform us that Rachel's platelet count was low at 1600 and they were asking permission to do a platelet transfusion.  The doctor informed us of all of the risks (which were scary and I can't remember now) but the risk of not giving her one was even worse.

By time we got to the NICU the platelet transfusion had been done and we spent most of the day with her just sitting on stools and sticking our hands in through the portal to touch her in her isolette, we did get to hold her for small bits of time which I was greatfull for since it was my first time holding her.  I didn't want to leave and I was physically worn out and crying.  We were approached by the hospital social worker and they offered to try and get us into the Ronald McDonald house which was directly across the street behind the hospital.  Although I don't want to be away from David and the boys, we know I couldn't physically keep up with driving back and forth each day and I do not want to be away from Rachel . . . I don't want to leave her side.  So we have made the decision to move me up to the RMcD house if they had room and David would stay with the boys and keep them on their regular school schedule.

So for tonight we will once again go back home, but I will pack and be ready for the news of hopefully a room.

(transcribed from diary I kept in Rachel's NICU space)