ME the Ghost

When I started this blog I wanted a space for me to journal in words and photos what our life was like, I wanted to try and keep it upbeat, but I also wanted to be honest and I knew that would be a delicate balancing act.  If I got followers along the way it was fine with me, but if I didn't that too was OK.   Somewhere in the process of my family growing and this blog growing I also I enjoyed the followers that began to read my page, leaving comments, and encouraged me as a Mom, woman, and fellow Christian.  If you have been reading for long, then you know that the past year was pretty rough for my family and I.

Well, as cute as my life looks from the outside with out three adorable children, post Rachel has been VERY difficult for me and I am having a hard time finding my way back up out of the darkness . . . . . and therefore it is effecting how much I blog and I have become a ghost on my own blog.  I have ideas in my head about things I would like to blog about but I struggle to find the time OR the energy to sit down and actually do it.  This post for instance, I have been wanting to sit down and write about my feelings and where I am mentally for a while now, but every time I find the time I do some "puff" peace instead because in someways I feel like if I put it down then I have to face where I am . . . . . Postpartum Depression and struggling to reach the surface to take a breath.

There . . . . . I typed it! ..................................TRUTH #1
TRUTH #2 ...................................................I had it after Jonathan too

The summer before I got pregnant with Rachel I had finally found ME time, I was focused on my physical improvement and my spiritual well being.  I had started going to the gym three days a week, drinking more water and much less CF diet coke, lowering my calorie intake, and making time to go to the park to read and do my quiet time.  I had found my rhythm of life with two boys and was loosing weight, 21 pounds to be precise and the success and ME time was making me a much happier wife and mother.  So although I deeply wanted to try for one more child, I also was afraid that with the fertility drugs and the pregnancy I would loose all the momentum that I had gained . . . . . and I have.

I know that I am not yet a year post pregnancy, but I am 259 pounds. 

DID SHE JUST TYPE THAT?????????

Truth #3 . . . . . . . . I am a HUGE girl and currently weigh 259 pounds and on my 5'3" frame that is not pretty and does not feel good. 

I don't know how to stop what is happening inside of my head or how to get back to the positive place I was prior to getting pregnant with Rachel.  I don't want to be a ghost in my life (obviously I am not because I am way to big to miss), I don't want to miss out on being active with my kids, my friends, and life in general.  I have backed off of everything because I am just moving from one safe place to another to be comfortable.  I want to be healthy for me and for my family, but I am really having a hard time getting back into that place.

Truth #4  . . . . . . . .  I still grieve the healthy baby girl I thought I was going to have on October 21st and find myself sometimes thinking about the girl I hoped Rachel had been.  I am joyful over the bundle I have in my life everyday and the blessings God had brought into my life because of her, but I still grieve the dreams I had for her.

Hopefully this is the beginning of me finding my way to the top of this darkness, but I can tell you from past experience it is usually a very long journey and sometimes takes years and under these circumstances I may need help this time.

Placing myself fully in the Master's hands.